Heffstache

When in Chicago a few weeks ago, Colin told me of his brothers’ brilliant plan to all grow mustaches for Thanksgiving to honor their well-known ’stache supporting father, Mr. Heffernan.  Well, the dream finally came true in Cincinnati this past weekend, and here’s the proof:

Mr. Heffernan sports the classic ’stache to accompany the ‘deer in the headlights’ expression of bewilderment as he wonders, “Did my seed really produce these morons”?

They look fake don’t they?  And the sepia picture tone brings to mind images of those 1920’s silent films when the devious criminal ties the fair maiden to the railroad tracks and then begins twirling his mustache in the camera.  It’s possible that they just shot this picture and drew them in with a Sharpie pen.  Colin looks especially dapper, although knowing his wife, I’m almost certain that she refused to be seen in public with him for the past month.

Try Cooliris!

Hey kids, found a great Firefox extension today called Cooliris.  Basically it allows you to preview a link without actually going to that page.  It’s fantastic.  You’ll be browsing the web twice as fast.  It’s especially useful when reading blogs that link to a bunch of articles.  That way, you can quickly check out the link without actually leaving the blog.  Ingenious!  It’s available for Internet Explorer and Safari as well.

Bush gets nasty

What do you do when a communist government starts testing nuclear weapons and won’t listen to anything you say?  You bomb the crap out of them and ask questions later take away their iPod’s, of course.

Word out of North Korea is that Kim Jong Il is most pissed about the embargo on Segway electronic scooters.

I wish I were making this up.

Make a doodoo pie…you’re arrested!

Tracy Morgan, least known for his “make a doodoo pie” sketch on SNL, was arrested Tuesday and charged with DWI in New York.  Morgan now stars on NBC’s 30 Rock, which can’t hold a candle to Studio 60.

Seriously, if you’re not watching Studio 60, you really need to check it out.

Snoop Arrested

At this point, news that Snoop Dogg got arrested is like hearing that someone got killed in Iraq.

Classic Letterman

It’s Friday, everyone.  Sit back and enjoy some classic Letterman.  These two clips both feature Dave working in the drive-thru lane at fast foot restaurants.  Enjoy!

Technorati Tags: letterman, funny, comedy

Hey, hey, hey…it’s a Faaaaat settlement!

Bill Cosby settled out of court today with a woman accusing him of alleged sexual assault.  According to the woman, Cosby drugged her in his Cheltenham mansion and then assaulted her.  Cosby’s attorneys, however, contest that he merely gave her some Benadryl because she was compalining of headaches and problems sleeping.  “Bartender?!  Martini and a roofie-Colada!”

Details of the settlement were undisclosed, but I suspect that Jell-O Pudding Pops and freaky African-made sweaters were included in the deal.

“Druggin’ chicks is da coolest!”

Election Results: MA

Congrats to Ted “Gin Blossom” Kennedy on winning yet another term in the MA senate.  Is he dead yet?

Trash

In the vein of Jeff Foxworthy, and inspired by the people who live across the street from me, I came up with this joke tonight:

“If you need one hand to count the number of toilets in your house but two hands to count the number of cars parked on your front lawn, you might be a dirty piece of stinking white trash.”

Vote!

I hope everyone voted today!  Polls are still open for about another hour.  If you don’t vote, you disrespect all those who died defending and creating this country.  I don’t care if you’re a democrat, a republican, or whatever else.  Just do it!

Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure

What do you do for fun in El Cerrito, CA?  Well, if you’re 33 year old John Sheehan, you shove an ice pick up your butt and masturbate on a tree stump.  I don’t even know what to say to that.

Flickr World Map

Coolness!  Now you can see a map of the entire world on Flickr with all geotagged photos.  As of this writing, there are over 6.7 million photos now geotagged on Flickr.  That’s amazing!  Flickr released their geotagging service just a few months ago.  The pace at which people have adopted it speaks to the increasing popularity of geotagging.  Way to go, Flickr!  Just another reason why Flickr is by far the best photo site on the net.

Technorati Tags: flickr, map, geotag, photos

Quiz Answer

Congratulations to McDonald for answering the quiz question correctly.  If you’re a male between the ages of 22 and 35, you should have gotten that right.

The prize?  Next time I see you, you get to play Rochambeau with me.  I go first.

Quiz

What is this?

How to get your wife to let you buy an HDTV

In the comments section, Andy wonders if he’ll ever convince his wife to let him buy an HDTV.  Well, you married fellas are in luck, because only here can you find the secret to an HDTV purchase.  I’ve broken it down into a series of steps.  Follow these carefully, and you too could be watching Revenge of the Nerds II in STUNNING HIGH DEFINITION on INHD:

Step 1) Buy your wife a dining room table of equal or greater value and then make her feel guilty about it

That’s pretty much all there is to it.  Hey, it worked for me.

More Borat

I’m actually getting kind of pumped for this movie!  It got a ringing endorsement in this morning’s Wall Street Journal.  Odds I can get the wife to go see it with me: 18-1

Just to whet your appetite, here’s a trailer:

Technorati Tags: borat, trailer

When the cat’s away…

A couple years ago I saw a special on John Wayne that said The Duke died with over 30 pounds of impacted feces in his intestines.  That had me worried.

Now, there are certain things I can get away with on nights when the wife is at work.  I can belch with abandon.  I can pee in the bathroom with the door wide open.  I can watch several episodes of Deadwood without recourse.

What’s my favorite thing to do, you ask?  Eat a big back of dried, tropical medley fruit to clear my insides and watch a Top 10 college football matchup in STUNNING HIGH DEFINITION!  Sweet release.

Matt’s colon is about to be one happy camper

Why do I freaking bother?

I had a bad experience at a Wawa a couple of months ago and vowed never to go there again.  I generally love Wawa above all other convenience stores, but this one pissed me off.  Well, evidently my vows don’t mean crap outside of church, because tonight I found myself at the very same Wawa.  This particular Wawa has the cheapest gas I’ve ever seen.  Understandably, people line up to fill up at their tanks.  Tonight the price was at a paltry $2.03, which is unquestionably the cheapest gas I’ve bought in roughly two years.

Despite the fact that I left the office late, the place was still packed when I got there.  Now, I am currently driving my wife’s Jetta the 50 mile commute each way every day because it gets better gas mileage than our Pilot.  Unfortunately the car was made by rat bastard Germans that like to put the gas tank on the passenger side.  Now, when you get into a packed gas station situation with a car like that, it makes it difficult to “get in line”.  Why?  Because most normal cars have tanks on the driver side.  You can’t get in line in front of another car or they won’t be able to pull out.  It’s tough.

Tonight (unlike last time I was there when I had to stretch the hose across the top of the car, and ended up having the attendent in the store turn the stream of gas off three times on me because it was a “safety hazard”, hence my aforementioned vow), I managed to find a Mustang with a passenger side tank.  I pull in behind it only to find that there is no one attending the car.  The moron had put down the little thingy to hold the handle while he went inside the store.  Well, needless to say his tank was filled and he was still nowhere to be found.

I was pissed.

I actually considered removing the nozzle and hopping in his car to move it myself.  Instead better judgement took hold and I sat in my car muttering mean things under my breath.  I looked to my right and noticed an empty pump, so I quickly threw the Jetta into reverse to snag the space.  No sooner did I put the car in drive than a honky in a red F-350 stole it and I had to go back to my Mustang.  At this point I was cursing myself for returning to this cursed Wawa.  I knew better.

After literally 6 or 7 minutes, the guy finally came out of the store wearing a khaki cowboy hat and big bottlecap glasses.  He saw me sitting there, but didn’t really seem to care.  He took his gold old time removing the nozzle, getting in his car, and driving away.

At this point, I’m furious, and as if I’m not mad enough, when I get up to the pump I noticed that the guy only put in 5 gallons.  WHY THE HECK DO YOU LEAVE YOUR CAR TO GO IN AND BUY SLIM JIMS WHEN IT”S A FREAKING PARKING LOT OUT THERE AND YOU ONLY NEED 5 GALLONS TO FILL UP?????!!!!!!

I hate people.  They’re the worst.

Technorati Tags: moron, gas, people, idiots, frustration

Kazakhstan Pissed at Ali G

If you’ve never seen Da Ali G Show on HBO, I highly suggest you download buy HBO and watch it.  It’s hysterical.  One of the characters he does on the show, Borat, is the main character in the new movie by the same name.  Borat is a Kazakhstani news reporter who comes to America and screws with people.  It’s high comedy.  His archaic view of women coupled with his atiquated “Kazakhstan” habits have people in the former Soviet republic a little ruffled as they attempt to turn themselves into a modern, economically viable nation.

I say, anything for the sake of high comedy.

Technorati Tags: borat, kazakhstan

The only Big East game all season that matters

That’s right, tonight Louisville and WVU face off in the most highly-anticipated Big East matchup all year.  I, for one, will be watching at home in STUNNING HIGH DEFINITION as the wife will be at work.  Who do I want to win?  Really, I don’t give a rat crap as long as someone gets blown out badly enough to fall below us in the polls.  If you ask me, neither of these teams has played anyone all season and doesn’t really deserve to be in the BCS anyway.  So, off with someone’s head!