I created a junk email account to use online for stupid registrations that require an email address. This morning I had this message waiting in my inbox:
A quick Google for “Mou Xinsheng” turned up a Chinese government official. Turns out people are sending these scam messages from supposed officials to make them seem more legitimate. Naturally, I had to respond:
Dear Mou,
First let me begin by saying I’m honored to have
received a message from a Chinese dignitary such as yourself. The fact
that you would consider me, a lowly piece of Birmingham trailer trash,
for this mission truly inspires me. I would be very interested in
hearing the details of your business, but before I do, I would like to
ask you a couple of questions:
1) Have you ever heard the “i” before “e” except after “c” rule? You should totally check it out. It’s bangin’.
2)
What exactly is your status? I’m pretty free-wheeling myself. I’m a
nut job. I’m always swingin’ for the fences, you know what I’m
saying? If you’re down, so am I, Mou.
3) What’s the story with your email address? You emailed me from tivoli@adelphia.net but asked me to respond to mou_xingshengxxmx@yahoo.com.hk
. That’s some crazy s***, Mou. Do you work at Adelphia and are
therefore asking me to respond to your personal email for this
“business”?
4) If you do work for Adelphia, how are you from
China? If you don’t work for Adelphia, how are you sending me a
message from an Adelphia email account from within China? To my
extensive knowledge (and I am a pretty smart guy for a piece of trailer
trash, Mou), China doesn’t allow American ISP’s to operate within its
borders. Remember, you guys are a bunch of commie pigs, Mou.
5) How exactly do you pronounce your name, Mou? Is it like
“Moo” or “Moe”? I’ve spent the last 45 minutes trying to figure this
out over a six pack of Keystone Light. If I don’t figure it out soon,
I’m going to go inside and beat my dog senseless in frustration. Don’t
screw with me, Moe.
6) What exactly is in this for me, Moo/Moe? The last time I
trusted a communist I ended up with a piece of shrapnel lodged in my
rectum. Try taking a dump in that condition, Moe.
I hope you
don’t find my questions too cynical. Truth be told, I am actually
quite interested in your proposal. I could use some money because at
times we run out of Spam and are forced to survive on grubs and puddle
water until we get our food stamps at the beginning of the month. You
could really help me out, Moe.
Eagerly awaiting your courteous response,
Lars G. Dingleberry
Birmingham, AL
I really hope I hear back from this guy. These are always fun. I’ll keep you posted.