You know those 80’s movies that they always show on TBS, TNT, or USA? They’re on all the time, and you’ve seen bits and pieces of all of them, but never the entire thing. Well, I went to Blockbuster the other night and happened to see Predator sitting there on the shelf. Since the wife was working that night, and it was one of those aforementioned 80’s movies, I decided, “What the heck?”
Released in 1987, Predator stars Arnold Schwakljgnkjaadfnb and boxing champion Apollo Creed. It tells the captivating tale of a group of 6 nondescript, special opps Army guys who basically go around the world rescuing people. Arnold is quick to make the distinction between rescuers and assassins. His group is NOT of the assassinating persuasion, which seems odd since after this line his group proceeds to kill about 2,000 people. Each member of the group has a special ability:
- Ahnold is the leader of the group and has huge biceps
- There’s an Indian guy that is good at tracking Predators
- There’s a nerdy guy that stinks at telling crude jokes
- There’s a huge guy that chews tobacco and has a Gatling gun strapped on his back (played by Jesse “The Body” Ventura)
- There’s a black guy that loves the tobacco-chewing guy and kind of loses his mind by the end of the movie
- There’s a squirrely looking guy that is able to speak a little Spanish
Let’s see if I can sum up the plot in three sentences: Apollo Creed brings in Ahnold’s elite group of butt-kickers to supposedly rescue a foreign dignitary, but in actuality he just wants Ahnold to kill a bunch of Commies in one fell swoop, which Ahnold obviously does. On their way back to the chopper, the group is attacked and systematically killed by a “Predator” from outer space, until Ahnold eventually gets pissed enough that he comes up with an elaborate plan to terminate the Predator and successfully accomplishes his mission.
Ok, so that only took two sentences.
There are some 80’s movies like this that you just have to love. Rocky IV, Bloodsport, and Urban Cowboy come to mind. This is not one of them. It was just bad. Now I know why I never saw all of Predator.
The thought that stimulated me during the movie more than anything was, “If there was offshore betting in 1987, what would the line have been on ‘There will be two future U.S. Governors starring in Predator, and neither of them will be Carl Weathers’.” I swear, you could hire Bill Gates as your butler if you had bet on that action.
Grade: D. Carl Weathers saves this one from an F.
The Predator is the one character in Predator that didn’t end up becoming a governor
